Running to Stay Still

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2010-04-23T23:21:00.000+01:00

This blog is now at http://ughsome.wordpress.com/.
Please visit! :)

Indecision- A Tale of Three Colours

2010-04-23T15:23:00.007+01:00

Inspired in no small part by two of my UBER-favourite blogs, Apartment Therapy and Young House Love, I've been thinking on decor plans for a very long time now and recently painted a light fitting from a very ugly dirty gold, to plain white. I don't have a 'before' photo unfortunately.
This is just a coat of primer. I'll be taking my own sweet time (which basically means I will stew in my indecision till I reach another level of..indecision!) to decide whether I want to paint it gloss white, or some other colour. I'm thinking sunshine yellow or a pop of bright red or turquoise. At this moment. I think.
One person who doesn't care about the colour is my dog. He thought this light pendant was some form of food because I was painting it on the dining table. He would not stop staring at it and drooling! It took a nice strong whiff of white spirits to convince him otherwise.

And just to leave you with some joy, here is my beloved Schleich Allosaurus (he's too rugged for a name- but if he had a name, Charlie would probably be it!) sniffing the flowers.

Oh, and the dino collage is coming along a bit now. Will post more pix soon. Be scared. Be very scared!

Hasty pasta with artichoke hearts

2010-02-15T20:15:00.002Z

Please look away now if you're Italian because this pasta did not come from the cobbled streets of Napoli or Rome, and I suspect a telling-off would be headed my way!

I stir fried bacon bits in olive oil with a dash of garlic, then added six chopped tomatoes and later, when this was mostly melted down, emptied a tin of drained and roughly chopped artichoke hearts in salt water.

This time round I used basil flavoured linguine. Pop the linguine into enough boiling water to cover it, and add a dash of salt. When it's al dente, which you can judge by trying to cut it cleanly with your spatula or spoon, drain the water, drizzle some olive oil, and add the sauce.

Spoon the sauce onto the pasta, grind some pepper on top. Sprinkle some capers.
Here it is- a hasty TV dinner.

Lazy spud supper

2010-01-31T15:15:00.001Z

I couldn't vouch for you, but for a lazy git like me the most fun sort of cooking is where there isn't much cooking at all. The magic mantra is (a) prep, (b) shove in, (c) eat. That's all I'm prepared to do most of the time.
Basically, a jacket potato is the best dinner for this couch potato.

So-

Step 1: obtain baking potato, wash, poke a few holes with a fork, baste with olive oil, sprinkle with sea salt, and shove into the oven for an hour at 225 degrees centigrade.

Step 2: mix up sour cream (ideally reduced fat!) with snipped chives.
Step 3: crack open baked potato, pour sour cream, snip more chives on top if you like them I do! Spring onion snipped very fine would be a decent chive substitute at a pinch.
Step 4: if hungrier than a hog, add a random side. Salad, or if feeling a bit more naughty, heat olive oil, add a miniscule dash of garlic, add diced mushrooms, a chopped tomato, pinch of salt and some chopped spring onions.

So, lazy side satisfied and hoggy side satisfied, for the nicest step of them all-
Step 5: grab remote and settle down to dinner.

Ode to the Spud

2010-01-30T20:23:00.001Z

It's got lots of small eyes, that is true
But don’t count on it watching telly with you
And it does wear a jacket, yes
But you won’t meet it as a dinner guest.
Knobbly, mud-spattered underground lump
It' not a mole, earthworm or silly chump;
It’s not a rapscallion, a creep, or a dud-
It’s the average homely brown spud!
It won’t help you with your daily chores
Wash the dishes, or mop the floors.
But if you’re hungry for a tasty meal
The humble potato is the real deal!
It won't mow the lawn or run the strimmer
But it will squish, crisp, sauté and simmer.
Roast, bake, chip, mash, boil,
Even deep fry with herbs in olive oil.
So when next your stomach angrily rumbles
It’s the tatie to the rescue with no grumbles!

Before the bread starts walking away

2010-01-28T19:02:00.009Z

I'm fond of a good réchauffé once in a while. Now this recipe -stolen from my mum-isn't precisely that, but more a put-bits-and-bobs-together deal. The chief protagonist is bread that's might have gone slightly stale, but is still edible (the last bit here is the important thing, unless one fancies a post-supper dash down to the A&E).

Here's the lowdown (with the key ingredients underlined, if like me you cook on the fly with the laptop open to the recipe):

You'll need all the veg in your fridge that you can (a) possibly have together at the same time (b) that you can't figure out an alternate use for and need to finish. My personal favourites are carrots, cauliflower and peas. I've gone for baby corn once in a while too.
Potatoes- I poke them with forks, blitz them in the microwave for about ten minutes, and cube them with the skins on.
You'll need aforementioned bread, diced into squares. Say 9 squares to the slice.
Oh, and some chopped onion, and a few tomatoes (or purée).

Thats's it for the prepping.

Heat some vegetable oil, and when the oil is hot, add a dash of garlic (paste/ couple of pods squashed on the flat of the knife, whatever works), and chopped chillies if you like a little zing.

The onions go in first, and when they're a bit translucent, the veg goes in (longest to cook goes first -I'm looking at you, cauliflower- then carrots, then peas). Add salt and a dash of sugar to taste (a pinch of sugar really rounds out the flavour). Finally, the taties, then the tomatoes, then the bread. Give it an almighty stir. Squish it a bit, always tastes nicer squished! Let the tomatoes simmer and bread fry.

I like to sprinkle a bit of lemon juice and some chopped coriander and cracked black pepper on top. Sweet chilli sauce also tastes fab. There you go. Bon appetit.

Stegosaurus!

2010-01-19T17:42:00.000Z

After the owls and the hedgehog and the wistful field mouse, it's going to be a dinosaur collage. The confused-looking stegosaur is done, but he's a bit of a lone ranger right now, with no friends and no story behind him. Watch this space for when I finally get my act together and put him in something other than a plastic folder.

A lovely little snack

2010-01-19T16:59:00.005Z

A slice of multi-grain Ryvita (with extra seeds and nuts); some mussels in vinegar; snip some chives on top.
That's it.

Cheap and cheerful Ipod sock

2010-01-03T22:14:00.002Z

Here's a painless way to use up leftover yarn. I simply crocheted a rectangle after measuring my Ipod joined it with a line of double crochet stitches to make a tube. The wool is fairly thick and keeps the Ipod protected. I just wish I had used some darker wool as this gets grubby quite easily, what with me putting the Ipod down here and there all the time.

Tree ornaments

2010-01-02T19:07:00.002Z

I could not believe my luck when I found these fabulous wooden Christmas tree ornaments all for the princely sum of £1. I really should have snapped up more than one box. It's got a tree, an angel (on a sleigh!), a gingerbread man, a star, a snowman, the works! Click on the picture below to see an enlarged image.

I also made this paper chain- ~~a cheap, cheerful and hasty~~ an efficiently made affair from scrap paper odds and ends, but I found it jazzed up the tree quite nicely.

Some of the decorations were a bit of cheating like this snipped up gift label tied up with a scrap of golden ribbon.

Blue Fuzzy-Wuzzy.. or the perils of novelty yarn

2010-01-02T17:50:00.003Z

This is the blue Fuzzy Wuzzy (no other name can suit!), made for a friend after I happened to purchase some novelty yarn in a weak moment at the wool shop. It’s not hard to see why the yarn isn’t really that versatile. I can’t imagine wearing a scarf in this material or a blue fuzzy table runner on my table. I started off working in the round with some nameless indeterminate goal (probably none). If you start progressively reducing the stitches, the circle starts working upwards and becomes a tube. I proceeded with the tube for a few desultory hours, and soon figured out that the only way out was a Fuzzy Wuzzy- and here it is in all its fuzzy glory. The eyes are stolen from a stuffed toy that my dog obligingly ripped to shreds- I had to remove the eyes before I gave it to him.

The pink scarf

2010-01-01T18:32:00.013Z

got a bit more ambitious after working in the round and decided to crochet myself a scarf. Here it is.

What I learnt from this is that yarns of different thickness seldom work well unless you possess a skill level that I clearly do not. And this can make the scarf curl in funny ways if you were working lengthwise on it. Also that machine washing a crocheted scarf is asking for trouble (this is a before picture- the after picture is a bit of a letdown). I used a technique called filet crochet in some of the rows (the mesh in the middle in the pink part is the filet crochet bit).

I also crocheted a baby blanket after this using a combination of double crochet and treble crochet, and with a purple and cream flower on top. I don’t have a picture of that unfortunately- it was a gift that I gave away before I had the sense to take a picture. The colour combination was a jaunty stripey purple, mauve and cream, repeated down the blanket.

Then here is the next ~~indeterminate~~ useful thing I made. My mother is kindly using this as a table runner.

Bold attempts at crochet

2010-01-01T18:02:00.004Z

This is my first attempt at crochet ever. I learnt some valuable lessons here. (a) Very fine thread will make your eyes ache. (b) You need a REALLY strong halogen light if you want to work at night. (c) Said halogen light will feel really hot if it’s summer.

Jokes apart, this was actually hyper ambitious given that I had only crocheted simple chains before this, and this was a pattern that had the capacity to go spectacularly pear-shaped if not followed to a T. And then I had the super-bright idea of beading the tips. Oh the pain of repeating it all round the circle! Not recommended for lazy easily-bored gits like me.

So my next attempt at what they call ‘working in the round’ was the decidedly more boredom friendly and fool-proof doily below which I gave a friend. Different colours to look forward to- check. More or less idiot-proof pattern- check. Wool/ thick cotton so easier to handle-check. Plus the added felicity of no painstaking beading required!

Introducing the gift wrap monster

2010-01-01T17:17:00.006Z

I love giving presents. If I don't have presents to give, I can wrap gifts from others to other people! This Christmas was no different- I was a menace with scissors and ribbon, terrorising people to produce their gifts so I could wrap them up.
This is one of the gifts I wrapped this time. I fully expected the gift itself to be an anticlimax - it was a jar of olives from Fortnum & Mason. Turns out it wasn't such an anticlimax after all because the recipient- my husband- loves olives.

This is another one. I'm still working out my hedgehog obsession (the hedgehog collage clearly only encouraged me to continue).

Some flowers- an easy option when you're tired cutting out different shapes. It's a no-brainer. ~~I think I had given up on the ribbon by now~~ The bow is minimalistic.

Snowflakes

2010-01-01T13:56:00.008Z

Snowflake streamers. Not as cool as this, but the homely variety. I only made two because I ran out of patience very soon (predictably enough). They look good at night with the tree lit up next to them. You just snip up the design after folding the paper into a square (or smaller), then you take needle and white thread and string 'em up. The good thing is you only need to tape them to the glass at one point. Don't forget to flatten them or iron them with cloth on top though. I put a huge stone mortar and pestle on mine overnight, after laying them flat between two layers of table mat. For a real pro look at snowflakes, check this out.

Christmas pompoms

2010-01-01T13:47:00.006Z

Here are the red Christmas pom-poms I made, inspired to no small extent by this post on one of my favourite sites of all time. The beauty of this is how easy these are to make. All you need is a few sheets of tissue paper and some twine to tie them. A pair of scissors. Yeah, that's it.

Here is the how-to.

I did a few yellow ones as a sort of trial run. Here they are.

And here is the other one, tied to the roller blinds here.

If you use less sheets, the pom poms end up looking more like flowers. If you use more sheets they become more spherical like the red ones at the top of this post.

The owl collage

2009-12-31T13:59:00.008Z

I love owls! I think this helped me get it out of my system somewhat. I do intend spray painting the frame black in due course though. This frame was recycled from a car boot sale find. I soon grew tired of the original picture, of a man and a woman and a dog walking along a beach. It’s still in the frame though, behind the collage.
I made the owls first and then glued them to the background. The paper is from old catalogues and magazines.
Click on the pic to see the owls in greater detail , and please ignore my reflection snapping away. Some of them have fairly dubious expressions and some of them look just plain gobsmacked.
Now after the owls and the hedgehogs I'm thinking dinosaurs. My dino collage should be done sometime in Jan.

The hedgehog collage

2009-12-31T13:46:00.004Z

Hedgehog chomping away with the field mouse looking on covetously.

Shiny Happy People in a Shiny Happy World

2009-07-30T13:05:00.013+01:00

There exists somewhere in this universe an elusive parallel perfect world called Ad-lantis. The full form is 'Wishful-thinking-and-willful-suspension-of-disbelief-through-a-lifetime-of-media-brainwashing-on-the-idiot-box-and-other-forms-of-mass-media-lantis' but it doesn't have the same ring to it.

In this perfect world, all houses are aesthetic, large and tastefully appointed. All singletons live in sexy waterfront or city skyline apartments, and all families live in big houses with manicured front lawns and two washed cars outside. No chocolate wrappers or empty bottles of water litter the seats of those cars. Children get salad dressing all over their mother's blouse and she lightly laughs (because it is after all very amusing) and rushes off to the super efficient washing machine with the super efficient washing powder. The stain disappears in an instant and the blouses magically dries and irons itself. The toilet is full of billions of scheming ugly bacteria hatching plans and spawn, but ZAP! and with one spray (and no time spent in gruesome brushing and swabbing) it's a spanking white place where you could drink from the pot.

Friends are all joy and light and champagne on the terrace and diving from yachts and old shared inside jokes. All summer days are spent picnicking in the park where everyone poses for casually dishevelled snaps, licking ice cream but never getting fat.

Dogs are totally well behaved all the time. In fact, they're not dogs, they're mini-people who can fetch frisbees and understand every word you say. They never shed onto the rugs. It's so cute when they jump up on you and demand to be fed, and you positively owe it to them to give them the organic brand dog food that all the other dogs are being fed. It would be cruelty otherwise. Animals are cartoon characters who talk. So when you meet a gator, it might offer you a soft drink rather than chomp you up. Rats are cute animals who make great chefs. Baby fish far from home always get back to their parents, and never get eaten en route in a sushi kitchen.

Motherhood isn't stretch marks and sleep deprivation and wads of dirty diapers, it's cuddling and cooing with baby lotion and an ever-smiling baby in a clean house with strategically placed aesthetic looking toys and a pristine white couch. With a bath that never splashes. And if it does, which mops itself up by magic.

Dads are alway home, fixing up barbecues, cracking jokes ho-ho-ho!, rushing off to the beach with the kids and the dog, and having breakfast with the family. Breakfasts are all-family affairs, with everyone sitting around and reading the paper and drinking tea in a perfect sunny kitchen with a table sans breadcrumbs, and no dirty dishes in the sink.

Teens rebel in a measured way, and never have zits. If they do, one dab of anti-zit cream takes care of it.

Hairstyles always stay in place, eye make-up never smudges, lipstick never gets chewed up. Women never need to carry purses anywhere, just the light summer dress with the tottering heels suffices. Did you have a run in your tights? You can just take them off whilst walking down the street and walk off without a care in the world. A female archaeologist returns from a day-long dig, discards the khaki shorts whilst walking through the hotel lobby, and voila! what you thought was a tee was a slinky stretch dress (with not a sweat patch in sight), and she's miraculously transformed into a sex goddess quaffing cocktails with sexy names.

Whilst these perfect people lead their perfect lives, the rest of us spend the rest of our lives wondering how to find this perfect world.

Tart summer delights

2009-07-16T01:50:00.004+01:00

..I'm only talking about wild blackberries.

These are in my view the best thing about the English summer. They're juicy, sour (which in my book just hits the spot) and best of all, grow freely in all sorts of places. A short walk followed by a berry picking break and snack, and then a brisk walk back is the best way to spend a morning. They're SO much better than supermarket blackberries.

What I would watch out for, though:

The thorns! They're long and sharp and insidiously tucked away behind the juiciest looking berries.
Not picking berries below a certain level. That level is roughly thigh level. You never know which dog is peeing on what.
Icky insects- particularly if like me you don't bother to go home and wash them, but just cram them into your mouth in an instant-gratification trip.

Free Stock Photos for websites - FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Telly wot done me in

2009-07-16T01:25:00.007+01:00

Ah the temptations that get thrown at us! Good honest folk just trying to get on with their work. So here I was at the beginning of the evening, with all those hours stretching before me, and some documents to finish working on.

7 turned to 8. I surfed the net.
8 turned to 9. I did not stop surfing.
9 turned to 10, turned to 11. I watched Liar Liar.
11 turned to 12, turned to 1. I switched to Monster in Law.
Now it's 1:30 precisely, the contact lenses are making me feel really sleepy, and those darn documents have not magically disappeared. Add to this a call that starts at 9am tomorrow and it's fair to say I am going to be knackered. If I make it through this night. Better call it a day then. No sad joke intended. I somehow don't think 'contact lenses making me feel sleepy' will cut it as an excuse tomorrow.

Free Stock Photos for websites - FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Home alone- and cushions not shredded

2009-05-30T10:53:00.006+01:00

The heading of this post should read as follows: "Home alone- leaving your dog at home to sleep all day while you go out and slog your butt off to feed him!" Nothing like being at home all day, because sure as hell your dog craves your company, but if leaving your dog alone at home everyday for some hours is absolutely unavoidable, there are steps you can take to keep him safe and happy.

Build trust: Try to be at home at least the first months when you bring him home, to build a rapport and level of trust with him, apart from feeding and toilet duties. Leave him alone at home for small amounts of time to get him used to your absence.

Avoid separation anxiety: Separation anxiety can cause bad habits such as digging, chewing and howling. Teach your dog a command, such as ‘stay at home’. Use it each time you leave. Used consistently, he will understand that it means you are leaving and will eventually return. Leave him a favorite toy with choking hazards (such as squeaks and buttons) removed. Put his bed in a quiet corner where he can sleep while you are gone. Leaving the radio or television on may help too. When you return, let yourself in with a minimum of ceremony. It will be hard but try not to greet your dog when you get back. Over time, he will learn to accept your return as a matter of course rather than a ‘relief’ that he waits for and goes berserk over. Once you have returned and he remains calm, reward him say with a stomach rub or a treat.

Pooch-proof, pooch-proof and more pooch-proof:When you are gone, you won’t be able to stop your dog from sleeping on the sofa or chewing your shoes but you can try to limit the damage. Give your dog enough space as he will be confined in it all day. It isn’t a good idea to leave him in a room that will have sunlight streaming in all day, or a room with open windows through which he can clamber. Shut bathrooms and any rooms that are not safe, and use baby gates where necessary. If your dog has access to the kitchen, make sure your kitchen range cannot be switched on by curious paws. Switch off floor lamps and other electrical appliances with protruding electric cables. Keep central heating at a pleasant temperature. Make sure that your dog has a large bowl of fresh water. Breeds such as labradors are notoriously greedy and eat the most unlikely things, so clean kitchen counters, put away leftovers, your prize crystal collection, knives, shoes, wooden ladles and the like where he cannot reach them. Cover sofas with a sheet as your dog may be sick on them. Put child-proof locks on the under-sink cupboard.

Home visits: Try to get a neighbour or insured dog walker to come in, refresh the water bowl, and walk your dog so he gets some exercise and a toilet break. There is a possibility your cushions may escape the inevitable boredom chewing. If the walker also feeds him, ensure there is a one-hour gap between walks and mealtime to avoid bloat. Don’t let them let your dog off-lead unless your dog is very reliable with recall. Keep a towel handy for rub downs, and have a log to clock attendance and where they can communicate with you, say if they felt your dog looked out of sorts. If they feed your dog, it is helpful to get commercial dog food as you can keep it measured out.

Build your own bond: Do take your dog for a walk everyday before or after work, and try to feed him yourself as far as possible, because everyone else is just a substitute for you.

If in doubt, read this chap's books. He really knows his stuff. I should know, because his techniques really worked for me.

The Professional Couch Potato

2009-05-29T18:06:00.012+01:00

You may be a couch potato at heart, but it's not enough till you have the couch to be said potato on. Every accomplished couch potato should know how to pick a good couch. I would go so far as to say that picking a good couch is a survival skill for the human spud.

Springiness and posture: This one's a no-brainer. If you wanted a trampoline you should have gone to the sports goods store. And if you wanted to sink into something soft and slushy, what you need is a bathtub and bath foam. Also, you don't want one where your back sinks in further than the rest of you. That can get grating after a while, and downright painful after a few months.

Colour me grey: Do you have anyone in your house who'll barf over the couch or draw on it with crayon? I meant - do you have a pet or children? You may be better off with the staid charcoal couch rather than the fancy lime green one you fancied in the online catalogue. I find a stripey pattern distracts from any obvious smudges too.

Washability or removability: When you choose a couch that's got non-washable upholstery or upholstery that's fastened with studs to the frame, you'd better be darn sure that (a) you'll not be spilling things on it, and (b) you don't have a dog that sheds or a child that barfs onto it.

Covers: If you have a child or a pooch or are generally clumsy with your TV dinner, get a sofa cover or a fitted throw. I got some nice ones (one red and one chocolate brown) from La Redoute but I don't see it in their catalogue this year. Apart from the struggle to fit it on right side up each time it's washed, it really helps when guests come and voila, I whip it off to reveal clean sofa!!

Cushions: For the love of god don't overload the sofa with so many cushions that your guests have to remove them when they sit, which is when you bark at them to not dump the cushions on the carpet. Not fun.

Last but not the least, the ultimate couch accessory, especially for those cold winter nights, is a snuggly dog. Let them curl up and go to sleep, then get a nice cuppa and tuck your feet under them. Enjoy!

The Dishwasher Commandments

2009-05-29T11:38:00.021+01:00

I have no qualms about admitting that I'm a lazy git who is happiest slouched on a sofa watching the idiot box. Unhappily, by the time we moved and I realised that I would have to attend to housework, I had degenerated into a lump incapable of doing the dishes.

After six months of painful incidents hunched over the kitchen sink wearing rubber gloves, I figured that having a dishwasher was going to save my ass.

Shortly after which I realised, the hard way, that a dishwasher only helps those who help themselves.

So here then are my Dishwasher Commandments which can enable you, night after night, to maximise the time that you revert to your inherent state of Being a Blob on the Couch, whilst the Dishes Magically Get Done. I don't quite mean this of course.

>Thou shalt scrape the dishes. It's amazing how many people are hopelessly optimistic that their food scrapings will miraculously disappear when the dishwasher is switched on. No, they do not evaporate into thin air. Yes, the god of dish scrapings will ensure they eventually block the plug hole, and finally the darn thing will overflow at 2am on a Friday night, when you are hammered from one rum-and-Coke too many, and have no hope of getting a plumber to come anytime soon.

>Thou shalt keep thy warranty alive. Or at least have a maintenance contract with a plumber or the manufacturer. Or if you're in a rented house, keep handy the hotline to the landlord or his agent. It's very often the case that the cost of repairing a dishwasher is the same as buying a new one. And ideally one doesn't want to keep buying a new dishwasher every few months.

>Thou shalt empty the dishwasher. If as soon as the cycle gets done, you empty the dishwasher out, you can start putting in the dishes one by one as soon as they're used. If, like me, you fall into the rut of using the sink as a holding area, (a) it's going to be much more of a chore because the loading and re-loading has to be done twice, (b) it'll add to your work in terms of cleaning the sink as well, and (c) obviously, your kitchen sink will be full of dirty dishes and that's not very appealing after a hard day at work. Additionally, if like me you have a dog walker who comes in when you're out, it will save you the embarrassment of a smelly sink and a slobby reputation.

>Thou shalt not break its back. A dishwasher build for 12 place settings is certainly not going to wash double the amount with the same efficiency. Chances are half the dishes won't get done and will have to be put in with the next cycle anyway, so basically one's doubled one's effort without any substantial gain. And it goes without saying that if you really overload the top drawer it might break.

>Thou shalt follow the loading laws. Glasses and smaller stuff need to go on the top rack. Plates and bigger dishes need to go below. Non-dishwasher safe items can't go in at all. Cutlery goes into the cutlery holder. Knives, if you must put them in, need to be in a place (perhaps a special compartment) where they won't go flying during the cycle and won't go blunt. Violating any of these rules is just trouble waiting to happen.

>Thou shalt know where the mysterious pipes go. A basic idea of the plumbing disappearing behind your dishwasher will go a long away. If like us, you pretty much installed your dishwasher, you may have a better idea. If a plumber is fitting it up for you, take the time to check out what happens behind. Chances are when the thing conks you'll have to take stop-gap measures yourself till the plumber arrives.

>Thou shalt clean thy dishwasher once in a while. Not once in a blue moon. Or lifetime. Personally I find my cheerful yellow rubber gloves (clearly I am not alone!) go a long way when I need to do these ughsome tasks. I would go so far as to say I wouldn't be able to do a darn thing without them.

>Thou shalt be nice to thy dishwasher. Thou shalt top up the salts and the rinse-aid. Apparently white vinegar works as well as rinse aid but I've not tried it so far. If you want to be extra-nice to your dishwasher, go ahead and by all means use the deodoriser or the dishwasher cleaner (cue smirks from people who can't understand why a dishwasher additionally needs to be cleaned). Hey, I'm no dishwasher expert. I just try to keep mine happy so it can keep me lazy.

Vociferous baggage of the four legged kind

2009-05-27T20:11:00.017+01:00

So you want to take your dog along when moving countries.

At this point, it is my distinct pleasure to welcome you to the trial that is the world of live cargo. Here's a basic checklist that could help, based on my experiences:

>Assess whether you and your pet are better off if he stays back home. Factors you'll need to consider are the quarantine regulations, the duration of the journey, whether he is too old to handle it, how you'll take care of him once there, and his quality of life if you leave him behind, and of course, who you'll leave him behind with and whether they have the time or knowledge to take care of a dog. Your parents possibly don't need the extra hassle, and it's not fair to your pet to leave him with friends who have never had a dog! Bear in mind that keeping a pet is often more expensive abroad than it is in India and you will probably need to take out good pet insurance to cover medical and other costs. There will be a monthly premium and the excess may be too high to cover things like claw clipping and general checkups. Of course, if like me you have every intention of dragging your pooch to wherever you go, the choices become easier!

>Check export requirements. I remember that we had to get (a) a vet's assessment together with certificate (b) vaccinations (c) a license done before we could despatch our own bag of slobbers.
>Check quarantine regulations. The UK at present has a 6 month quarantine period, and other countries have varying amounts of time. The relevant government site for that country should be able to give you the details.

>Check which airline flies pets. British Airways came to our rescue. The way the quarantine mechanism usually works is that the quarantine kennel will have to come and pick your dog up from the airport and take him straight to the facility. So you'll have to coordinate flight timings with the quarantine kennel. They may (a) not be able to pick up your dog at particular times or on particular days (b) be fully booked and not be able to take in your dog at during a certain period (c) have a preference as far as airlines are concerned.

>Check what the airline needs from you. IATA guidelines require them to carry live cargo under certain conditions only. You need to pay to get the actual text of these guidelines from the IATA site, but I assume you are not a professional transporter and the airline site should suffice! What we did do- and it's a PAIN and a half- is get the container and take it down to the airlines office to show them the size and the specs, together with the dog. You ideally want to avoid a situation where it's 2:30 am, you're at the airport with your dog and the mammoth container, the airline refuses to take him because the guidelines are not met, and you're leaving in 2 days yourself. The only course of action I can then see would be to (a) pull out all your hair strand by strand and possibly (b) call in your favours and take a loan because by gad, you'll need it for the reschedulings and rebookings that you'll have to do for yourself and your dog.
See if either the quarantine kennel or the airline can make do with a certificate so that your dog is not vaccinated twice for the same thing in the space of a few days.
>It's a good idea to use a moving service that deals with pets as well so you can at least outsource some of the fiddly bits like obtaining the crate and getting the domestic paperwork to them.
>The flight is likely to be at an unearthly hour so make sure you can reach there with your dog and the container. If your dog is anything more than a tiny terrier, your container is likely to be massive, so make sure your car can take all of you at the same time! If you are going by taxi, check in advance that they will take the dog and the container, because you don't want nasty surprises at the nth hour. You will have to reach the cargo area, so it's a good idea to do a dry run. Very few people will have visited the cargo area before- it's often got heavy security so if you know what to expect on the day you could factor in enough time.
>Keep your pooch calm. It's a good idea to put in used clothes of yours with him to calm him down with the familiarity. Check with your vet whether sedation is recommended. Our quarantine kennel advised us against it due to the chance of suffocation and also loss of control (due to which a dog can hurt itself in the cage), so we didn't sedate our dog. I'd recommend getting him used to his crate in advance by keeping it in your house for a few days, so he doesn't panic when you load him onto it. It was the hardest thing I did, loading mine into that crat and sending him off- in my case the chap who carried the crate into the bonded area had clearly had a drop too many, and almost dropped the crate. That was not a salubrious beginning.

>Once your pooch is loaded up safely, don't be shy- follow up with the airline if you are concerned. We kept following up with them and the pilot was good enough to inform us that the temperature in the cabin where our dog was kept, was at a constant 17 degrees centigrade because that is what was recommended for labrador retrievers in their Standard Operating Procedure Manual! Now our pooch was a dog who spent his growing months barking at the AC for it to be switched on, but nevertheless 17 degrees was a bit cold for a dog who grew up in the scorching heat of Delhi. We had to ask them to crank it up a bit. We were very grateful they had bothered to consult a manual though.
Our pooch did arrive safely despite a delay at the airport before customs. He managed to make it to the quarantine kennel, where he promptly proceeded not to eat or poo for three days. But that's another story.

Wrapping up- a checklist

2009-05-27T15:06:00.011+01:00

The world isn't necessarily a kind place to a bookworm. Read a book while walking across a road, and you might get knocked over (was almost there). As a child, sneak in a pile of books into the loo- after getting emboldened by efforts to sneak in a book at a time- and you might get a clout from your mother (been there).

Moving is no different. Your movers, like mine, might wonder why you have so many books piled up. "Strange people", they said, scratching their heads in amazement, "they have more books than anything else in the house".

Yes, moving is a time when a judgment will be passed on you. Don't beat yourself up over it.

But don't, for god's sake, take all your books with you.

Don't take that tatty volume of Housman that you haven't read forever and will never read again, and only keep because it makes you feel more intellectual. Don't be tempted to take that moth-eaten copy of Essays of Elia because you like the way the hardbound cover looks. Please pause a moment and spare a thought for the moth infestation that you will carry across continents, possibly to a wooden framed house. Dump your hard bound coffee table volumes on Monet because you ain't going to get artistic inspiration from them if lightning hasn't struck you in all the five years you've had 'em.

Best case- you're adding to the number of things you have to unpack and store.

Worst case- To add insult to injury, your employer isn't paying for your movers and you're paying to give up the additional storage space in your new home.

Moving across continents is, I find, a very spiritual exercise in assessing just what's important to you. A forced purging of worldly goods and streamlining your existence.

From bitter experience, the things that you will need to remember are:

To pay off your mobile phone bills and terminate the connections. Easier said than done, especially if you had a household with two people and four mobiles (two for you guys, one for your driver and one for the help, but all in your name)- which is quite typical in India. Mobile phone companies don't always coordinate things properly, and bills have a strange way of coming back from the grave and biting you on the ass months later, when you thought you were home and dry. And then you have to make long distance calls to the India helpline number asking them to terminate the connection. If you do find yourself in that boat it's best to somehow obtain an email address (no, they won't proffer it voluntarily, and yes, it will be like pulling teeth from them, but it will make the job easier once all your letters to them are recorded). Check for hidden costs. Ask for a breakdown of all charges. And do ask for a confirmation that all your dues have been paid. You don't want another set of charges hatching for another 12 months and coming back with interest and possibly threats of civil suits.
Ditto for internet connections. Don't forget the internet connection and the wireless dongle.
Terminate the gym membership (if like me, you went twice in four months, this wouldn't be something you'd remember about straightaway).
Let the help go. Give them some severance pay- chances are, they'll get another job soon, but on the flipside they're faced with financial uncertainty too. It's helpful to try to find them an alternate post with family or friends, but I wouldn't be too bullish on their sticking it out, or even landing up. They might be shy about saying it, but they simply won't land up. Our live-in lady took the view that she had simply made too much money from her years with us and could now retire happily (she didn't land up for the job we had found for her). Our driver took the view that he might as well try his luck in a different city (he took an advance from the friend we had recommended him to, and jazzed off without a by-your-leave). It's best not to expect too much. A measured recommendation might go a longer way than singing their praises. Else you might find you're in hot water later when your proteges let you down!
Sell or give away stuff. Perhaps your parents had a second flat where they needed a fridge. Or they needed a bed for the spare bedroom anyway. If not, sell it (don't give them stuff they don't need - (a) they had enough of your junk when you were growing up (b) you'll never hear the end of it. You'd be surprised at the level of enterprise in India. There is a buyer for everything. Pots and pans, crockery, furniture, furnishings, paper, glass, old electrical appliances, inverters, everything, I kid you not. Your help can get hold of the neighbourhood kabadiwala. Sell him everything, and keep the money. It might pay for food for the first few days before your bank account gets set up in the new country! If it won't come to that much, it might just pay for the taxi fare to the airport!
Terminate your lease on time. And remember to extract your deposit from the landlord.
Send your stuff on ahead. The best way is to clear up shop about a week or two before, send your stuff on ahead (by sea is cheaper and takes more time, so there's not much danger of it reaching before you do). Assuming your stuff takes four weeks to reach, you will have two weeks to find a place to stay before you are reunited with your beloved odds and ends and accoutrements. Con an unsuspecting kind friend or long-suffering family into putting you up over the last few days.
Get any documents you need from your ex-employer. It's hard enough chasing them when you're not employed with them, than to have to chase them from a different time zone altogether.
Have a chat with your accountant and settle your finances. Get copies of your tax returns and bank statements. There's a very good chance you'll need them. And get his phone number and email address- these will be your lifeline before the next tax filing!

Make lists! Make a list of lists. Worship your list every morning when you wake up, and before you go to bed at night. Hang that pencil from your neck to tick off each point on your list. The List Monster Rules.

The Nightmare that is moving. With a capital N.

2009-05-26T19:30:00.000+01:00

It's always difficult moving lock, stock and barrel (and in our case with live and quite vociferous baggage) across continents. It's like a massive war effort on several fronts, especially if one had anything like a running establishment already.

If like me, you've never done that before, you're likely to make the same mistake I did, which is- (a) try to take too many things with you- either because you are under the mistaken belief that they will come in handy (yes, that means that bed which will not fit, that bedsheet which you will never use again, and the tea cups that are merely decorative and serve no useful purpose to man or beast in a household where no one drinks tea. I've learnt the hard way that there's no point being endlessly optimistic about the weights that you will never use again, or sentimental about the vase you got at your wedding that you hate.

(b) try to pack your own things, in a mistaken control-freaky belief that you, and you alone, are capable of packing the stuff that matters to you in a way that will not destroy them! That very smart idea (or so it seemed at the time) you had of packing your crystal in cotton wool and then in cuff link boxes will backfire spectacularly when you can't remember where you packed the damn box in the first place. I think it's better to leave it to the professionals- they know what they're doing, and even if they don't, it's wiser conserving your energy rather than sweating the small stuff. God knows it's stressful enough! If it's that precious, leave it with family, or put in your hand luggage on a later trip when there's less to transport.

(c) try to pack up all your stuff before you've read what is and isn't allowed as cargo- yes, this includes the bottles of perfume you've been hoarding since the ninth grade and never found it in your heart to use, and the bunch of dried wildflowers you pinched from your mum seven years ago. Show me a country that will allow you to send in liquids and plant matter as part of personal cargo, and I'll.. well, I'm basically confident it's never allowed.

(a), (b) and (c) all have one inevitable outcome, as I am painfully aware. Clutching your forehead and trying to soothe your raging migraine, at a time when you would be far better served having said headache by getting gloriously drunk with your mates before you leave!